Remembering Joel

I just posted an entry on the 18th about a friend who had run out of options in his cancer care. When I woke up this morning I did my usual look through Facebook and saw that his brother had posted a couple of pictures of Joel in the very early morning hours. I immediately knew what that meant without having to look any further - Joel had passed.

I met Joel many, many years ago when he was just a little guy. His brother Jason had befriended me in our first year at our local junior college. Jason was a life saver at that point because most of my friends had left for out of town schools and I was floundering because I knew so few people. Jason brought me into his group of friends and made my two year of junior college a lot of fun. I wouldn't be nearly the geek I am today without the influence of that sci fi and comic book loving gang. Jason helped me get a summer job as a youth director at his church and there I met Joel and a lot of other great kids. Joel was cute as a button with a funny voice and a great sense of humor (it runs in the family). I only spent a summer working there and then went off to finish my last two years of college in Alabama.

Fast forward many years to the time when my sister was sick and I was going through my own treatment. Joel reached out to me via Facebook to let me know he was available to talk. I had stayed in touch with Jason a bit throughout the years and knew Joel had thyroid cancer at 15 but I hadn't realized the extent of the cancer at that time or that he had to have continual follow ups since his teen years. Turned out that Joel knew the ins and outs of endocrine cancer much better than I did. This is Joel's story from the MD Anderson website.

We exchanged a lot of facebook messages and a couple of long phone calls. There is something about talking to someone else that has had cancer that strips down your walls in talking about the disease. I could be honest with Joel about how weary I was - for me and my family. He listened to me talk about the grief of losing my sister and my frustration with my brother's diagnosis. I was mostly struck by Joel's unwavering optimism and faith despite the difficult therapies and treatment he was enduring in never ending succession. I told him that I honestly couldn't seeing myself enduring that. There were some other topics as well - but it's a little too real to talk about - particularly today.

In time, I got dramatically better and rebounded stronger in some ways than I was before. Joel and I actually switched up treatments centers and teams right around the same time. He moved back to Florida and went to Mayo and I started going to MD Anderson in Houston. During my checkup last year I got excellent news - all my hormone levels were stable, all scans were crystal clear - I was now clear to go to annual check ups. Joel was one of the first to congratulate me. I was looking over our facebook messages this afternoon and want you to see what he said to me:

Susan, Glad things went well at MDA. You're setting the bar high and an inspiration to me. I just got back from Mayo today, they have a couple drugs in mind... Just so happy for you. Pop is staying with me right now and we've been praying for you and your brother. God is working on you. I'm being wordy at this point but I'm just so joyfully tearful for you. Love you so much, Susan.

I can't be sure exactly what kind of news Joel had gotten at Mayo that day but it surely wasn't as positive as mine was. Tell me what kind of caring, great person sees that a friend got great news when maybe they didn't and gets in touch to let you know how happy they are for you? I wish that was the kind of person I was but I am not sure it is. 

Now, of course, comes the regret. Why didn't I reach out to Joel more often in the past year? I heard from him in September that he was going to be in Atlanta in October and we were going to meet up but I never heard back. Maybe he had a decline and couldn't make it? What was so important in my life in October that I didn't make time to get in touch? Logically I know this is a normal part of loss but that doesn't make it easier.

When I saw the post from Joel on the 18th I knew that he would be gone very soon. He was so relentlessly optimistic and him saying that it looked like the end of the road was a sign to me that it surely was. I sent him a message via facebook but can't bring myself to tell you all the content but do want to share one thing:

I will be keeping you in my thoughts as I train this year for Ironman. I know a lot of people think I'm crazy for doing this training - but you know what I know - this is EASY compared to the journey we've been on and you've been on it longer than me. This training gives me a sense of peace and joy. Your spirit also give me a sense of peace and joy Joel.

Even if he didn't get to read or hear this - I know that Joel knows how I feel now - and I very much doubt he would want me to dwell in regret. So on the way to my ride this morning I thought about Joel and put on the most painfully happy song I could think of, Jonsi's Go Do. (I warn you - Jonsi is a character and you may not love the video. Just listen to the music and lyrics.) One of the odd things about me is that a sad song doesn't generally make me cry, but a joyful happy song? I cry buckets. So I cried and sung along:

You wish surprise, will never stop wonders
You wish sunrise, will never fall under
We should always know that we can do everything

Blog Challenge

Of course I'm new to the world of blogging, but I'm starting to meet some new blog friends via Team Touch Chik. This challenge come courtesy of Too Tall Fritz who has a great blog with a sense of humor. 


Here are my questions:


1. Favorite race/event and why?
2009 Nike Women's Marathon with Team in Training. This marathon was 10 months after my pancreatectomy. When I started training for this race I had never run more than 9 miles but my coach and good friend Jo, convinced me that not only could I run - but I could run a full marathon. During that season I learned to cope with being a diabetic, learned to love running, and worked through the grief of the loss of my sister. I also got to run the last half of the race with my great friend Sarah who got me through all the tough miles. I didn't turn in a good finish time by any means but it meant so much to finish that marathon in memory of my sister. 


2. Were you a princess or a tomboy?
Am I old if I say that princess wasn't really a thing when I was a kid? :) Regardless, I wasn't really a girly girl. I did ballet and gymnastics but enjoyed BMX racing most of all.


3. Who or what inspires you and why?
The memory of my sister and father. My brother who is fighting his own cancer battle. 


Anyone who make the *choice* to better their health or contribute to cancer advocacy/research. I didn't have a choice with cancer - so someone who chooses to commit to advocacy and research is inspiring. I've been privileged to participate in a lot of Team in Training events where I have watched participants bloom into athletes in front of my eyes. Seeing their pride in both finishing an event and having made a contribution is the best inspiration ever.


4. Do you have more online friends or real life friends?
Since I'm pretty new to blogging and virtual teams it's definitely real life.


5. 20 year class reunion... Are you going, legitimately busy, or you wouldn't be caught dead stepping in the door?
Mine was 2009. I went, danced, and loved it. You can see the photos on my FB page.


6. Do you prefer flowers or candy from you S.O. or should they save the $?
Well I prefer jewelry but I have gotten flowers on occasion. My S.O. is very practical so it's a real treat.


7. If you were rich rich and famous and had the guts to name your kid something outlandish, what would that be? First and Middle name, please. 
Alice Turtle (or Rabbit) - I'm a huge Alice in Wonderland fan. I would probably never do this to a real child.


8. You're in a marathon, in first place on world record pace... You have to "go". Do you stop for a port-a-pot, possibly lose the race and a world record or do you go in the street for the world to see?
My predominant sport is triathlon where it is a point of pride to pee as many times as possible on the swim and a mark of your experience to say you have peed on the bike. I have even been peed on while being passed on the bike.


Having said that, I am happy to pee in the water but not once I am out because I am not a podium threat. If I were even close to an age group podium spot though, I would definitely let the flood gates go. There is no end of bodily fluids I would be willing to make public for a world record spot.


9. Why do you run?
Easy, because I can! :) Running, cycling, and even swimming are my therapy and a way of celebrating how far I've come through cancer and loss. I don't know what I would do without these outlets. 


10. Favorite type of run?
Long (10 or more) group runs. Celebrating the finish of a long run with friends is almost as good as race day.


11. Most adventurous "out of character" thing you've ever done?
Mmmm - that's a hard one. I don't consider myself very adventurous. I guess people might think training for an ironman is adventurous but I didn't even get into that easily - it was a very considered and cautious approach over two years to ensure that I was fit and healthy enough to attempt it. So anything I would come up with would be exceptionally lame. 


If I were more of a blogger I would be tagging other bloggers to follow up but since I am just starting out it may stop with me here. I look forward to building more of a blog network.

An almost perfect 24 hours in between the lines

You've seen a picture of my Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) on the blog before but here's what an almost perfect 24 hours of control looks like!:

This means my blood sugar was between 80 - 180 for a 24 hour period. That's pretty close to perfection for me and is really difficult to do. There is very rarely a day that I get this kind of 24 hour view on my monitor - maybe once every few months if I'm lucky. The peaks represent meals and that one dip at the end was my run yesterday evening. 


Best of all - I got a night of sleep that was not interrupted by any alarms or buzzing. Booyah!


Of course this streak was busted by a couple of overnight lows and a high after breakfast this morning. Perfection is short lived.

Blogging while training

The weather prevented an outdoor ride today but still have to get 150 mins. in. So here I spin.